


I looked upon the sea, it was to be your grave

by imaginary_wanderer



Category: Suburra - La Serie | Suburra: Blood on Rome (TV)
Genre: Aureliano lives, F/F, Fix-It, I can't with the canon end, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post Season 3, What-If, but Alberto is not doing well at all, rating may change to explicit... maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:20:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29878980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginary_wanderer/pseuds/imaginary_wanderer
Summary: Aureliano Adami lives... but at the cost of many things.Now in charge of his friend's life, Alberto faces the consequences of their actions, and the weight of it may be too heavy for him.(The title is from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, slightly modified)
Relationships: Aureliano Adami & Alberto "Spadino" Anacleti, Aureliano Adami/Alberto "Spadino" Anacleti
Comments: 5
Kudos: 4





	I looked upon the sea, it was to be your grave

**Author's Note:**

> Not gonna lie, this fic is difficult to write. First because English is not my native language so please be nice about my mistakes and weird sentences. But also because I chose to address Alberto’s mental health after the end of season 3. It’s a fix-it fic, Aureliano is alive but the cost of keeping him among the living is high, and it doesn't make it any easier for Alberto.  
> Come talk to me about Suburra on Twitter @ImaginaryWander or Tumblr https://imaginary-wanderer.tumblr.com/ (please!)

**SUMMER 2008 - July 25th**

The sun is high when Aureliano stirs in bed. He sighs once, twice, but can’t seem to open his eyes yet. In the room, everything is silent, only the ticking of a distant clock is giving a sense of reality to Aureliano’s clouded mind.

He winces, keeping his eyes closed, tries to move but he doesn’t have any strength. Something is wrong, very wrong. He finally opens his eyes but everything seems blurry until his eyes decide to function properly. He tries to remember: was it a dream? Did all this happen? He remembers a woman, he knows he’s been in this room for… how long? Alberto, where is he? His friend is there, asleep in an armchair. He looks different, his hair, his face, everything changed. So quickly? Impossible, unless Aureliano missed several days of his life.  
Then he remembers. Alberto screaming, the shooting, the pain, the fucking pain. Is it how it feels to be dead? No, impossible, Aureliano tries to make it all make sense but fails to gather all the pieces. All he knows is that he should be dead. He wanted to die. But he’s there, and Alberto is there too. Did he save him? Did he ruin his perfect plan to end the nightmare and keep the good ones alive?  
He suddenly feels a growing anger, a need to punch something or someone, and Alberto would make a perfect target. Is he really angry at him? Or at himself for failing once again?  
Moving too much makes him groan and swear, which makes Alberto wake up with a violent jerk.  
  
“No, no, no” Alberto is on his feet faster than Aureliano can track his movements. “Don’t move.”  
  
“Yeah, I figured I couldn’t anyway. Where the fuck is it? What happened?”  
  
“A safe place.”  
  
“Nowhere is safe now. Albè-”  
  
“We’re in Piedmont, in a small village not so far from Turin. It’s quiet. Anonymous.”  
  
“Pied- What the fuck, Albè…”

“I know. How the fuck did you get here, right? I did what I could. I might have freaked out and wanted to be as far as possible from Rome, and took the first good opportunity.”

Aureliano tries to sit up but fails. He’s feeling weak and can’t even move on his side.

“How did you make it?” Aureliano whispers more than he talks, the dull pain makes his entire body feel heavy and impossible to handle right now. “Surely not with anyone from your family.”

“The gypsies are not the only circle I know.” Alberto makes a pause to see if Aureliano understands what he means, but he looks too confused to fully get it. “I had to lie, obviously, and I couldn’t take you to your doctor. Too risky, too obvious. I took you to someone who helps people who need to keep their business under the radar. They took care of you in a small private clinic far from any circle you know, and helped me relocate us. You probably remember a bit of it but you weren't really conscious most of the time. They couldn't keep you too long, so as soon as you were out of danger, we moved you here.”

““We” who?”

“A friend. A very good friend, someone I trust with my own life.”

“And this?” Aureliano points the IV connected to his right arm.

“What do you think it is? It kept you alive. And don’t even try to remove it. There's someone who comes here once in a while to help, see if everything is okay. You met her already but you probably don’t remember. It's all taken care of by my friend. We can trust them.”

“What kind of friend are we talking about here?”

“Don’t worry about this now. This house belongs to him. He only comes here for holidays.”

“Convenient.”

“Indeed.”

Aureliano looks at Alberto with tired eyes and sighs. His dreams are still haunting him, weaved with bloody memories, and voices from another life.

“And Nadia? Angelica?” He looks around as if he expected to see them, waiting in a corner.

Albè shrugs slowly with a sigh and seems to hesitate.

“They know nothing…” He stops, sighs, then adds: “They think you’re dead. Everyone thinks you’re dead. It was not that hard, you were bleeding so much… My contact point wasn’t equipped for all this shit, they had to pull so many strings to save your life. But they brought you back and you even healed so quickly, you piece of shit.”

Aureliano whispers a “fuck” and closes his eyes, trying to remember but everything is blurry and his head hurts already enough. He knows he can still hear Alberto crying his name in his ear, like a prayer addressed only to him, but he doesn’t want to recollect those pieces yet, not fully.

“How are things in Rome?”

“As you expect. A huge mess. My mother wants me dead for sure, the clans are all over the place. We can’t go back, Aurelià.”

Alberto is anticipating Aureliano’s reaction, he knows he’ll want to go back and try to take back what he deems to be his.   
Aureliano glares at the window then looks at Alberto, trying not to fall asleep.

“How did you make it? Fuck, did you drive us here?!”

“My friend and I. We took turns.”

“Ah, your friend, yes. Does he know who we are? What did you tell him?”

Albè stares at him then scoffs.

“You won’t like it.”

“Try me. Can’t be worse than all this shit.”

“Guess not. The official story is that we were caught by both our families and they wanted us dead. Pretty close to reality.”

“Maybe a bit too close”.

“But in this story…” Alberto makes a pause. “I told them we were lovers. It was the easiest way to avoid questions and to get help from them.”

Aureliano slowly nods. Right now, he can’t do anything about it, whatever lie was said, whatever bad was done were gone with him. He’s fighting sleep and can’t think straight. Alberto sees him struggling with himself and comes closer. He sits on the bed, against Aureliano’s right hip, and looks at him.

“But we’ll have time to talk about all that later. We’re safe here and you need to sleep now. You’re still wounded and I can’t make miracles so you’ll have to help me and stop fucking moving around like that. Okay?”

Aureliano doesn’t have the strength nor the clearness of mind to argue, and nods like a kid who’s just been scolded by their mother.

“Good. Now you go back to sleep.”

Without thinking, Alberto puts a hand on Aureliano’s, like he’s been doing everyday the past weeks. He realizes the touch might be unwanted and decides to leave the room a bit more abruptly than intended. Now is not the time to let his guard down. He managed to save Aureliano, they’re now both safe, alive, and far from any threat. One step at a time.  
In the house, everything is so calm, just the sound of the clock and the wind outside, the house gently settling. No kids running around and screaming, no brother to criticize him, no mother to nag at him. He’s not used to this quiet life, he almost feels like something is missing. Even his moments with Teo were filled with music and laughter and moans, and so many sounds of life. But with Aureliano, there’s always a kind of stillness, a somber atmosphere, and this house is a lot like him.   
Alberto sits on the couch and takes a moment to realize that Aureliano is finally fully awake. The past week has been crucial, with Aureliano waking up without really being conscious, willingly kept in this state to let him heal faster. But now he’s back for good and Alberto will have to face whatever Aureliano will reproach him. Almost a month has passed since the shooting. They spent three weeks hidden in the clinic, Aureliano completely out and Alberto doing everything in his power to erase the traces they left behind us. The trail was weak but it was there and he had to pull strings he never thought he’d use to make them both disappear.

And it worked.

The result of these weeks of hell is lying asleep in the closest bedroom. Alberto unlocks his phone and types a message.

_He’s awake.  
__Thanks for everything. I owe you his life._

He reads it twice before sending it and forgets the phone for a couple hours to finally get some real sleep, still not in a bed but the couch is still more comfortable than the armchair next to Aureliano’s bed.

It’s a knock on the main door that wakes him up. His eyes immediately look for someone in the room but apart from the knock, everything is silent and no one is there. Again, it knocks on the door. It’s unusual and Alberto knows he can’t risk anything while Aureliano is not on his feet, ready to leave if they have to.  
He approaches the door slowly without making any noise and listens. He shouldn’t be so paranoid, no one knows they’re here, no one around knows who they are. So he decides to open the door. Sometimes hiding is more suspicious than showing yourself.

“Yes?”

“Oh, hi. Sorry, I thought… Well I thought Giorgio would be the one behind the door.”

A ginger woman in her early forties wearing a long blue dress and yellow boots is smiling at him. Her accent seems to be English but Alberto is no expert, all he knows is that she speaks Italian pretty well. 

“No, sorry, Giorgio is not here, I’m just using his house for a time.”

“Ah, I see! I’m Amy. I’m your neighbor. Well, Giorgio’s neighbor. Nice to meet you!”

She offers him her hand and he shakes it, still not sure if there’s a danger or not. She looks nothing like the women who would meddle in their kind of business but again, Sara didn’t either.

“I saw the blinds open and thought I’d come and say hi. We’ve been neighbors for a long time.” She smiles a bit awkwardly then claps her hands on her thighs. “Okay then… Is Giorgio planning on coming later or is it just you?”

“I don’t think he’ll be coming, I know he’s working on a new project so he might be too busy.”

“Of course. Always working so hard this Giorgio. Oh well, too bad. Summer is such a perfect season in this region. Is it your first time here?”

Alberto doesn’t really like her asking so many questions but he can’t be too suspicious if he doesn’t want her to become suspicious.

“Yes, first time.”

They look at each other awkwardly, but Alberto doesn’t want to talk too much and give away anything he could regret.  
Amy finally decides she should leave.

“Sorry, maybe you were busy, I won’t keep you much longer. See you around maybe? There’s a lot to do in the region, if you like hiking or sightseeing. But maybe you know that already. Have a nice evening!”

And she leaves as she came, walking casually in the alley to the entrance. Before leaving the property, she turns around and waves at Alberto who waves in return. He closes the door, shrugs, then goes back to the couch. The notification led on his phone is blinking, maybe Giorgio got his message.

_Wonderful. You know you can stay here as long as you need. I’m busy in Rome anyway so it’s no bother.  
Take care of him. And yourself. You both deserve some rest. _

Alberto nods at his screen, feeling the emotion tighten his throat. Giorgio has always been a centerpiece in the small, almost non existing, life he made for himself, far from the gypsies, far from the drug dealing and the fight for power, a secret life he tried so hard to keep away from who he was for most people.   
It’s almost 8 in the evening when he knocks softly on Aureliano’s bedroom door. He hears a grunt coming from inside and comes in.

“ _Aò_ , you done sleeping? You hungry? You’re allowed to eat soup.”

“No, and surely not for soup.”

Aureliano grunts again, apparently in the middle of trying to sit up in the bed to drink. Alberto helps him then pours him a glass of water before handing it to him. Aureliano drinks it weakly under the gaze of Alberto.

“I won’t choke, you can quit staring at me like that.” Aureliano tells him before giving him the glass back. “Fuck it hurts.”

His right hand rests on his stomach, where the wounds are healing. Alberto knows what’s under the grey cotton t-shirt and the bandages, he knows what Aureliano had to go through while being unconscious.

“You’re too quiet. What’s going on?” asks Aureliano while he’s settling against the headboard.

“Nothing. I just talked to our neighbor.”

“Who? What neighbor?”

“She lives in the house next to this one. She knows Giorgio and thought he was there when she saw the blinds open.”

“Giorgio, that friend of yours?”

“Yeah.” 

Aureliano stares at him with tired eyes, and Alberto understands.

“Don’t worry, she really looked… normal. But I’ll ask Giorgio about her, just to be sure.”

Aureliano is still staring at him, and it makes Alberto nervous.

“What?”

“You weren’t injured, right?”

“What? No, scratches at best. And sore muscles for days, you’re heavier than you look.”

Aureliano’s eyes move from Alberto’s face to his neck then his hands.

“Where’s all your gold? I never saw you without half your weight of tacky jewelry.”

“Shut up, you know nothing about taste.” Alberto looks at his hands and shrugs. “I couldn’t wear it anymore. I needed a new style, I can’t be a gypsy here. I also needed money.”

“The hair too, you changed it.”

Alberto slips his fingers in his dark waves. It didn’t grow that much but the mohawk is gone and his natural waves are falling freely. “Yeah.” 

Aureliano closes his eyes and sighs. “How long since that day?”

“Almost a month now. We stayed around three weeks at the clinic, then we left Rome. You’re a tougher fucker than my brother,” he said in a low voice.

Aureliano nods. His hand slightly grips his bandages and he opens his eyes again. “What a fucking mess…” He lifts the bedsheet and takes a quick look under it. He wasn’t sure until now but seeing it makes it obvious. He has a catheter. “Who takes care of that?”

Alberto lifts his hands in a defensive gesture, his eyes round. “Not me. A nurse is taking care of all this, you met her already. Francesca. She knows Giorgio so he asked her to help us. But now that you’re awake, I suppose you won’t need it anymore. She also took care of the cleaning and all.”

“I owe a lot to this Giorgio, how am I gonna repay all that?”

“You won’t have to.”

Aureliano frowns. “Don’t bullshit me, you know everything has a price. All this can’t be for free.”

“And I tell you it’s okay. I’ve known Giorgio for many years. We’re good.” Alberto makes a few steps in the room, getting closer to the window. “It’s taken care of. Do you trust me?”

Aureliano shakes his head slowly in disbelief. “Fucking gyspy. Do I have a choice there?”

“Not really. But you can try and play along.”

“You know I trust you.”

Alberto nods. It’s just the beginning of the evening but he’s already tired even if his days are made of waiting, watching whatever is on TV, and watching Aureliano sleep.  
He watches Aureliano’s hand on his abdomen. 

“Your wounds are almost closed but it was a mess inside so even if it doesn’t look like it’s bad, you’ll have to be a nice little boy and behave. I don’t want to have to take you to the hospital again.”

The way he says that makes Aureliano frown but he’ll have to keep all his questions for later, Alberto is already leaving the room.

“Where are you going ? I’m fucking bored here.”

“Then fucking use your brain and put the TV on. Moron.”

“Yeah, you moron. Dick.” Aureliano shakes his head and smiles. 

At least that didn’t change, and it feels nice to have Alberto with him. It feels good to see him alive and well. What happened in the junkyard was supposed to be the end for Aureliano, but nothing seems to stop that easily and Alberto is to thank… or blame for that.  
He puts the TV on but barely follows what’s going on. There’s so many things in his head, scenes playing over and over. The first face he sees is Nadia’s. Is she mourning him? Of course she is. Aureliano can’t go back to Rome with things in this state, and he knows the ones who remain there will take care of whatever is left of what the Adamis worked so hard to build before he can come back… if he ever comes back. Even if, to be honest, it’s all a pile of crap now. And the kiosk… All of this is gone, for good. He is gone. The Adamis are gone. Maybe he managed to die, if his legacy isn’t anymore, then that’s it.  
He can hear the bip of a microwave but apart from that, everything is so silent. Alberto… He barely recognized him earlier. The flashy and noisy gypsy was gone too, and Aureliano doesn’t know if he likes it or hates it even more than his ridiculous persona. Alberto who was crying his name over and over, begging Aureliano to stay with him, to not leave him. He can’t remember his face but his voice is still haunting him.  
Aureliano doesn’t know how long he was lost in his thoughts when Alberto appears in the room.

“Hey, before I sleep, need anything?”

Aureliano watches him then shakes his head. Alberto did change, the spark in his eyes seems gone, just like his snarky smiles and the general vibe of overexcitement he way too often exuded. 

“I’m good.”

“Well then. See you tomorrow. Francesca told me she’d be here sooner tomorrow.”

Aureliano nods, silent. He doesn’t know what to say to this Alberto. Before that, a mean comment would have met an insult, all in a friendly manner, but this kind of thing doesn’t seem to fit the new atmosphere. 

“Albè. Wait.” 

Alberto turns around and waits as asked. Now that Aureliano is really looking at him, at this new face, he can clearly see the change.

“You okay?”

“Yeah? Why?”

Aureliano shakes his head again, not sure about where to take this conversation he doesn’t even want to have right now. 

“Nothing… Okay then.”

Something definitely is off, but it’ll have to wait until tomorrow as sleep takes over soon after.

Morning comes with a voice he vaguely remembers. A woman is talking to Aureliano and he’s almost ready to push her away when he remembers she’s Francesca. She’s a lot prettier than Aureliano remembered her in his barely conscious state, around 30, black hair tied in a messy bun, a face with a natural beauty.

“Hi there. Nice to see you really awake, at last! I took care of you but Alberto told me you knew about me, right? I’m Francesca. Today is a big day, you get rid of all this.”

Aureliano nods and sighs nervously, looking around for Alberto. He’s near the door, arms crossed on his chest, watching Francesca do her thing.

“ _Aò_ ”, Aureliano catches his attention. “What’s with the long face? I’m the one getting a tube out of my dick.”

Francesca laughs but Alberto looks at him and shrugs. There’s no smile, no comeback, no dick joke. Francesca starts undoing the IV. 

“Now, Aureliano, don’t move and you won’t feel a thing. After that, you’ll be able to go back to a more regular life.” She takes the IV out of his arm and presses with her hand. “Just be careful with your arm for a day or two, let it heal, and you’ll be as good as new! You’re a strong man, pretty healthy. I know you’ve been in bed for more than three weeks but you’ll be okay. You’ll need some exercise, walking fifteen minutes three times a day would be a good start, get your muscles back on track. You’re still in good shape overall, but you’re still healing so… take it easy.” She stops suddenly and turns to Alberto. “We need some privacy now, sorry.”

Alberto nods and leaves without saying anything.

“He’s been very worried about you,” says Francesca to Aureliano while lifting the bedsheet. “He asked me so many things about what I was doing to you, all the aftercare, what you’ll be able to eat, to do. Okay now relax and it’ll be done before you know it.”

Aureliano tries to let his body go limp but fails as soon as he feels her hands on him. He’s never been good with people taking care of him. As expected, he feels everything and winces but the pain isn’t what he expected. 

“And we’re done. I’m going to give you a list of basic medications. Alberto told me he’d take care of it so I’ll leave it with him, if it’s alright with you?”

“...Yeah, whatever.”

“Okay. I think I’m done. You should have a blood work done, just in case, to check if everything is as it should be considering what you’ve been dealing with. But I can’t force you to do it so it’s up to you.” She puts her gloves away, checks if everything is in order, then looks at Aureliano with a sorry smile. “Giorgio told me you two have been through a lot. I’m glad you made it out alive. We shouldn’t be treated that way by the people who put us in this world. It’s not right.”

 _“I told them we were lovers.”_ So that’s what everyone involved thinks they are. Alberto knew what to do to have help, he knew the right persons in the right circle to escape Rome anonymously, discreetly, unseen while having a full support system out of solidarity, relatability. Even if he had to lie to his friends.

“Thank you.” he says, humble and grateful. Genuine kindness never really crossed his path in the past.

“If you have any question, need anything, Alberto knows where to reach me. And once you feel better, if you want to have some fun in the region, I can be your guide !”

Aureliano smiles politely and she leaves. The first thing he does is getting out of this bed he came to hate. He feels trapped in this room, and he needs to know where exactly Alberto took them.   
Getting up is a bit harder than he thought but his reflexes immediately kick in and he’s on his feet, walking slowly to the door. He can hear voices, it sounds like the TV is on. The house is big and seems fully furnished. Really convenient. He slowly pads along a short corridor and arrives in what looks like the main room, with an open access to the kitchen. It’s stylish, modern but not too much.  
He finds the living room and the TV with an old TV show running but the room is empty. He uses the back of the couch to support him. The trip from the bedroom was an ambitious idea but staying there would’ve been worse. On the other side of the room, a window almost as big as the wall lets him see a view on the mountain. The sun is high above the landscape..

“Hey, already being a pain in the ass?!” Alberto walks so fast to him he barely sees him coming close to him but not touching him. “Don’t start walking around alone like that.”

“I’m good, I can walk and it doesn’t really hurt anymore. And I’m hungry.”

“Let me bring you something, go sit on the couch. Don’t make my life more difficult than it is, okay?!”

“Different look but still bossy, right?”

“Shut up and do as I say. You put your ass on the couch and you behave.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Aureliano walks carefully and sits on the couch. It’s large and comfortable, similar to what he had at the hotel. From here, the view is incredible, nature is showing itself in green and blue colors, and a lake below the house shines like a million diamonds. “Nice place.”

“Giorgio always had decent taste,” says Alberto from the open kitchen. “And good money.”

“So who is he, this benefactor? Gyspy?”

“No. I told you it was from another circle. He’s a music producer. Owns some restaurants too.” Alberto makes a pause. “He’s gay.”

Aureliano nods. “He’s not in the game, right? I don’t know any Giorgio worth so much.”

“No, he’s not like that. I can’t say his money is 100% honest but he’s not into drugs or prostitution, or whatever.”

“Hm. Honest money, selfless help, who is he to you?”

Aureliano wonders if the question is too much, if there’s something going on between him and this savior. A lover? A sugar daddy? He smiles at the idea. Impossible.  
He almost startles when Alberto presents him a plate with a simple sandwich on it.

“Let’s say he’s like a father to me.”

Aureliano inspects the sandwich a moment but he’s too hungry to be picky and takes a bite. The taste of the meat is almost too much but so satisfying and he practically devours it. His stomach soon protests and he starts feeling sick but nothing he can’t control. He’s done with being stuck in a bed.  
This Giorgio being like a father figure is unexpected but it would explain a lot.

“How did you meet him?”

Alberto sits on the couch, not too close to Aureliano. He seems to consider his answer, clears his throat, and sighs.

“I tried to have sex with him and he refused.”

“Oh wow. Okay.”

“I was fourteen, I was angry at everything and wanted to do something stupid. I was very lucky to meet him. After that, we stayed in touch, he understood I was just a kid and decided to help me. We’re not even that close but there’s something special between us. And he was the one to introduce Teo to me.”

“Teo?”

Alberto looks at him as if the answer is obvious but he remembers he probably never told Aureliano his name.

“The guy I was seeing.”

Teo’s sorry face in this small decrepit room seconds before Alberto stabbed him appears suddenly, and the memory is like falling at the bottom of a wave. He feels himself grip the edge of the couch and grind his teeth. He never wanted that, for any of them. He gets up and walks to the window. The view is breathtaking, the surrounding mountains are so colorful, so calm, unconcerned with their small lives. They could have died in the junkyard, this beauty would have been the same, unchanged, eternal.

“Let’s go for a short walk,” he proposes without turning away from the window. “Just around the house. His patio is pretty cool.”

Aureliano understands Alberto wants to change the subject, and he agrees. Anything to get out a bit and get some real air. He heads back to the bedroom and hesitates a moment. He needs clothes, shoes, so when Alberto enters the room with a pile of clothes in his arms, it’s like he read Aureliano’s mind.

“They were still in a bag. It should fit, let me know if you need anything, I’ll go buy it.”

He puts the clothes on the bed and leaves without adding anything. Aureliano is at a loss with this Alberto. The clothes are perfect, as he expected from someone who’d always put so much attention in his appearance. All black and grey, sober. It wasn’t much different than what he used to wear before.  
He chooses a grey polo shirt and black jeans. He should shower before but he doesn’t really care, it’s just a walk in the yard anyway.  
In the main room, Alberto is ready but doesn’t look like he’s waiting, more like he’s just here. When he sees Aureliano coming his way, his expression changes.

“It fits.”

“Of course it does, you know your clothes. Now I just need some shoes.”

“Here.” 

Alberto points a pair of black boots waiting near the entrance. When Aureliano is finally ready, they both head outside. The breeze makes Aureliano instantly shiver even if the air is warm. It’s been too long since he’s been outside, even if he barely remembers his time at the clinic. His last memory of a city was the concrete of Rome by the window of his Jeep. He barely remembers the last day of his previous life, only the sound of gunshots, everywhere around them, and Alberto’s face, hidden behind a car, anger in his eyes.  
The smell is different here, the air cleaner. He closes his eyes a moment, enjoying whatever he can while he can.

“Hey, you coming or what?”

Alberto is here, waiting for him. Aureliano is not sure he could recognize him in a crowd with this new style, he would blend in pretty easily, which is the point. Aureliano nods and follows him on a concrete alley, then on small stairs leading to the side of the house. From outside, it looks smaller, and older too. Walking is more challenging than he imagined, he can feel his muscles trying to stop all activity and give in on the spot. He’s been lying in a bed for almost a month and he can feel it in his bones. He takes a break on top of the stairs. He feels ridiculous, being so tired after a few steps outside, but he also knows the bullets that pierced him were real. His body is still recovering from death.  
In front of him, Alberto is waiting, patient and understanding, not walking too fast so he can stay close. Aureliano is not sure yet why he’s still alive. Is there something more for him after what he’s done in his life ? After all the suffering he caused? A sudden pain stabs him in his side and he sways a bit, trying to keep his balance. In a flash, Alberto is at his side, supporting him with an arm around his waist.

“Easy, I got you. You okay?”

“Yeah, it’s nothing, it took me by surprise. I’m good.”

“Do you want to go back inside?”

“No, let’s go. I can make it.”

He needs to make it. Being weak is not an option, he can’t let himself be a burden for anyone, if they need to fight, if they need to flee, he’ll need his full power. He needs to find his former self. Pushing through the pain, he resumes his walk and they head toward the back of the house. There’s a covered pool, a barbecue, lots of trees. But the best part of this exterior is indeed the patio on the side of the house. The view on the bay below is incredible, they can see a good portion of the village and more, on the shore.

“You weren’t lying when you said it was cool.”

Just like the interior, the furniture is stylish but sober. He slowly walks to a small couch by a stone fire pit and sits carefully. His body is screaming for a bit of rest and while he wants to force it to move, he also feels like it’s too soon. The sun is high behind the clouds that made their way to the valley, and some rays are reaching the surface of the lake and parts of the mountains. It’s a dream view. He loves Rome, this city is in his blood, but this feels like a piece of heaven. Alberto is standing next to the couch, his eyes fixed on the lake. There is peace there too, in Alberto’s profile, this face that means so many things in his life. They did the unthinkable together, reached the higher and the lower, did the good and the bad. Alberto turns his head, aware of Aureliano’s eyes on him. He raises his eyebrows, asking with his eyes what’s the matter, and Aurelino just shakes his head.

“I must say… your daddy has good taste.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, he’s not my “daddy”...” 

Alberto sighs and walks up to the railing. He can hear Aureliano laugh behind him and this simple sound brings him back to their many car rides together, the one to the abbey to get Monsignor Theodosiou, when times were more merciful, when they still had hope, when they were on their way to become kings of Rome. At one point, they held everything in their hands. Now, they only have their own lives, and lost everything else.   
He can hear Aureliano groaning and his steps bring him next to him. They stay silent a moment, side by side, facing the open view on the valley. 

“I’d like to thank him.”

“It’s done.”

“No, I’d like to thank him in person. I owe him a lot more than my life.”

They look at each other then Alberto nods. “I’ll let him know you want to talk to him.”

“Thanks.” Aureliano sighs deeply, a hand on his abdomen. “I think I’ll call it a day.”

“Of course. Let’s go back in.”

The following days feel like a same and long day on a loop: breakfast, a walk in the yard, Aureliano sleeping, lunch, a second walk in the yard, Aureliano sleeping, another walk in the yard before dinner, and they both go to bed. They talk more, in this strange bubble stuck between the time of life and the space of their mind, they try to create something new, redefine who they are. Will they go back to Rome? Should they start again somewhere else? And to do what? Dealing again? Aureliano half jokes about leading a gang being his only skill in life, and Alberto realizes he’s not so different. How would they change their lives to become normal people? They’ve never been anything else than leading gangsters, what kind of job would they do? Who would they be?

Aureliano often falls asleep on the couch, even if less as the days pass, but seeing him so relaxed and trusting of his surroundings is disturbing. They don’t really talk about before, Alberto avoids bringing anything too painful or that could sour the mood. Sometimes, Aureliano falls silent for hours and seems to be lost in his thoughts. Alberto knows he’s thinking about what and who they left behind. Aureliano loved Nadia, probably still loves her. Being wounded doesn’t reset your feelings.

It’s a particularly hot day when they meet Amy again. She knocks on their door on a Thursday near noon and is surprised to meet Aureliano.

“Hi! Ah, I think I met your friend some days ago? I’m Amy, your neighbor. Giorgio’s neighbor.” She offers her hand to Aureliano who shakes it with a questioning look. “Sorry, I know I shouldn’t come unannounced, we don’t know each other but- Ah! Hi!” She waves at Alberto who’s arriving behind Aureliano. “We met already! So, we have this group chat and Giorgio told us he wasn’t coming this year. We usually organize something during the summer, a small gathering, like a party, nothing too fancy but, you know, there’s food, and drinks, and good chat. Great people too. So I was wondering if you were interested? It’s tomorrow evening, at our place. I’ll also introduce you to my wife, she just arrived yesterday and wants to know who are our new neighbors for the season. She’s Italian too!”

Aureliano is trying to understand everything she just said almost in one breath. Alberto comes forward and takes over.

“Hi, Amy. I don’t know if we can come, Aureliano is sick and needs rest...”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking, it’s just… well, there’s not a lot of people like us around here, so we try to meet each other as much as we can. And summer is such a beautiful season here, it’s the perfect moment of the year for that.”

Alberto glances at Aureliano, hoping he won’t make a weird comment, but he’s faster than him to answer.

“We’ll be there. We’ll enjoy the change of pace.”

Amy’s face lights up suddenly with a broad smile. “Perfect! Come whenever you want, we usually start around 7, but it’s up to you. See you tomorrow then!”

She leaves and waves at them, just like the other day. Aureliano turns to Alberto with an amused smile. 

“Don’t make that face, she looks cool.”

“You realize it’s a queer community, right?”

Aureliano makes a pause, visibly thinking of an appropriate answer, then shrugs. “I’m not sure I care. It’s just drinking, eating, talking. Everything you like.”

“Yeah, we’ll see. Look, I don’t know if it’s a good idea, we’ll be exposed, and…”

Alberto glances at Aureliano’s neck and his very distinctive tattoo. It’s already too late to hide it from Amy, but having it on display outside is definitely not the brightest idea. Aureliano has too many unique features to be carefree about it.

“It’ll be okay.”

Alberto shakes his head, not comfortable at the idea of meeting so many people barely a month after what happened in Rome. The people they’ll meet will likely be from bigger cities, with money and influence, they might even know people who know them...

“I don’t know…”

“Well I do. You used to love partying, I can’t believe I’m the one pushing you to have some fun.” 

Aureliano goes back to the main room and stretches carefully in the sunlight like an oversized cat. His t-shirt rides up his abdomen, not high enough to reveal the brand new scars, but Alberto knows they’re here. What will he do if someone discovers where they’re hiding and hurts Aureliano once again? What if this time, he can’t save him and he leaves him for good? He closes his eyes a moment, suddenly submerged by a wave of anxiety that makes his head spin.   
When he opens his eyes again, Aureliano is looking at him from just two steps away.

“You okay?”

Alberto feels lost a moment, the sick feeling doesn’t want to leave yet but he can’t let Aureliano see it, he managed to stay on his feet all this time, now is not the time to waver.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“No, you’re not. Look at me.”

Aureliano is quicker than Alberto to move and takes his chin in his hand, forcing him to lift his head so they can face each other properly. Aureliano always had this way to boss people around and touch them so he could feel them, maybe ground them. At this moment, it doesn’t help Alberto feel better. The heat of Aureliano’s hand, the natural scent of his skin, his eyes on him, it’s all too much. He roughly pushes his hand away and leaves the room without saying a word. He takes refuge in the second bedroom he started to use just after Aureliano woke up. He instantly regrets his reaction but sometimes he just can’t face him, look into his eyes and act like they can move on without leaving so much of himself behind.   
He sits on the bed and tries to calm down before thinking about what to say to Aureliano who certainly will ask him what is wrong with him. He’s just very tired, that’s what he’ll tell him, a good answer, vague enough but unquestionable.  
He waits a moment before going out of his room. There’s only the sound of the TV, and something going on in the kitchen. Alberto stops to stay unnoticed but close enough to see Aureliano being busy cooking. Alberto’s heart clenches at the sight. This is what his dreams have been made of, partly. Aureliano Adami and him sharing a place, a life, the simplicity of it, the domesticity… minus the drug empire.

“Don’t tell me you’re doing your infamous pasta again,” he casually throws.

Aureliano turns around, almost startled. He looks at Alberto for a few seconds, not sure of the mood, then turns back to the pan.

“No, I think I mastered it last time. It’s time for something more ambitious. Who knows, I’ll probably end up opening this restaurant!”

His voice is clear and his tone cheerful, he’s clearly trying to not talk about what just happened. Alberto stays between the main room and the kitchen, keeping some kind of distance, but Aureliano has another idea in mind. He nods at his dish, apparently satisfied, then walks to Alberto and stops just in front of him.

“So, what’s going on? If you really don’t want to go, we jus-”

“No, no, it’s okay. We’re going. We need a break anyway. We can’t just stay here and sit on our asses all day long. It’ll be nice. I’m just... tired.”

Aureliano doesn’t seem convinced but plays along. He doesn’t want to have an argument with Alberto, the promiscuity of their current life leaves no room for this kind of situation. 

“Okay. I’m making tagliatelle al ragù, by the way. I used your friend’s cookbooks, and I was lucky to find the right ingredients.”

“Lucky? I bought this food, thank me for planning a bit more than plain pasta and frozen pizzas.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Aureliano stares at Alberto and makes a step in his direction, not placing himself in his personal space but close enough. “You do look terrible.” He casually brushes a curl from his forehead, but it bounces back in place. “It’s not ready yet, if you want to go rest.”

At this moment, Alberto just wants to lose himself in the blue of Aureliano’s eyes, and disappear forever in the cold water of this sea. He nods and steps back.

“I’m just gonna crash on the couch and let you do all the work.”

“Asshole,” says Aureliano, pushing him away in a friendly manner.

They still share this boyish friendship, a unique relationship they developed over the months, facing all the consequences of their actions. Alberto doesn’t watch the TV and closes his eyes a moment, his head tilted back on the headrest. He does feel exhausted, his head feels heavy and his thoughts are confused. But he doesn’t want to face that yet.   
He can hear the sounds from the kitchen, the wind outside. He thinks about Lele and his wasted life, about Samurai and how he ended, how him and Aureliano killed him together like hunting predators finally catching their prey, and how they thought it would make them kings of Rome. And they were, for a short amount of time. Together they were unstoppable. Together they did the unthinkable. He thinks about the life he could have had with Angelica and Rubina, how beautiful his daughter would have been. He wasn’t fully ready to be a father but he would have done everything for her. Everything.  
But all this is just a dream now, and bloody memories. 

He feels something warm on his cheek, a comforting touch, and leans into it. How wonderful it would be to open his eyes and be back in Rome. He’d wake up on his bed and see Angelica asleep next to him. On the other side of the room, Rubina would be asleep in her eccentric cradle. Then he would meet Aureliano for their business. His heart would ache but spending time with him is always a blessing.

“Albè...”

Aureliano… His voice is soft and warm like a blanket in winter. It feels good, it feels like… home.

“Albè.”

Alberto opens his eyes. This voice doesn’t come from a memory, it’s here, so close. Above him, he can see Aureliano’s face, and he can feel his palm cupping his throat, still warm and comforting. He closes his eyes again for a second. He could stay like this forever, revel in this softness even for a brief moment.  
But this is not a dream, and his memories are fading as soon as he opens his eyes again.

“Food’s ready, if you feel like eating.”

Aureliano doesn’t remove his hand, its pressure just enough to keep his head tilted and their eyes locked. 

“I was thinking about Lele,” says Alberto. “Thinking about… everything.”

Aureliano’s thumb is slowly caressing his jaw and Alberto feels his eyes tingle. He doesn’t want this kind of tenderness, he can’t deal with this side of Aureliano right now, the friendship, the brotherhood, the affection, he hates loving every piece of it. He took everything he could, pushed their relationship to the deepest he could have. And it’s never been enough, his heart always craved for more, even when he knew it could never happen. Every single touch was like a stab, and he never recovered.  
He turns his head to let Aureliano know that he needs to stop, and gets up.

“Let’s see if it’s edible.”

“I think about him too. About everyone.”

Alberto can’t move, he’s staring at him.

“Lele, Nadia… Angelica, Isabel, Livia, Romolo. Everyone. Even my father. We did a fucking poor job of keeping things together. But we also did what we thought was the right thing to do. I don’t regret trying to keep Ostia at all costs, it was my land. It still fucking is. But maybe we got too greedy. Maybe Rome was too big for just the two of us.” He comes closer to Alberto and slightly shakes his head. “I never wanted this for you. And I did a poor job at doing that too.”

Alberto clenches his jaw as he feels too many emotions bubbling to the surface. He’s angry and sad, he wants to burn the world and bury himself in a hole. He feels powerless, even saving Aureliano seems to have been a bad decision.

“I should have died, killed by my family a long time ago,” Alberto says. “There was nothing for me in this world. I brought all this on us. I wanted…” He sighs, closing his eyes. “I wanted us to rule everything. Together. But I’ve been fucking stupid to think it could even work for me.”

“That’s no-”

The phone ringing cuts Aureliano. It’s the first time they receive a call but Alberto knows only one person who could call them. Giorgio. He grabs the phone in his pocket and answers.

“ _Ciao_ , Giorgio. Yeah, we’re good, we were about to have lunch. Yes, yes, we saw her earlier today. No, don’t worry, it’s nothing. Of course.” He nods several times, and Aureliano leaves him to set the table. Their conversation will have to wait.

The call is longer than expected and Alberto eventually ends up learning a lot about their temporary place and the people living around them. Turns out almost all the direct neighborhood is owned by LGBTI+ people coming from all over Italy but also some European countries. They’ve known each other for more than a decade and decided to regroup here at least once a year.  
When he hangs up, Aureliano seems to be waiting for him, sitting at the table.

“He really wanted to tell me the story of this place. And he told me we can stay as long as we want, he won’t be coming here before at least six months.”

Aureliano rubs his abdomen then points to the place at the table where Alberto always sits.

“Good. Care for some food? You better eat your share, I didn’t cook for nothing.”

Lunch is the occasion for Alberto to recount what Giorgio told him, and their talk about the past seems forgotten for now. They know there’s nothing to say that could change it, but remembering together sometimes makes it less painful.


End file.
